Do you feel urges to prove you’ll be a worthy parent?

A weird and unexpected side affect of all this intensity and emotional trauma around trying, was the guilt and expectations regarding friend-babies.

PapaBean and I have (thankfully) only one close couple friends who have a baby and who’ve lived near by. Oh, we have loads of friends and acquaintances who have babies coming out of their ears, but we don’t hang out with them.

These friends are fabulous, alternative, like us, and happen to have the cutest little bean. Last fall we were so sad to see them move away but have kept in touch. They are in the inner circle of friends who know we’re trying (without success) and that I confide in often regarding just how hard this has been. She’s pregnant again- which I am legitimately happy for her (no face punching feelings! I view this as a successful step). And this summer they are visiting three times with their soon-to-be new born little girl.

But when she asked if we would babysit, I balked. And immediately felt like I should accept all things baby because we want one so badly. I worry that if I say how babysitting for three full 12hr days really just will be too much for us right now that she’ll think “why do you think you should have your own then, if it’s too much just for  a day”.

Oh I know she doesn’t actually think this… but it was a surprising emotion/thought that definitely was up front and central, hovering in the background of our conversation. I know, intellectually, that someone else’s child isn’t the same. That it is a good idea to start saying “no” and recognizing that having house guests, no matter how much they’re good friends, is a lot of work and we’ll need some down time.

On a similar thread; our cats wake us up 2-4x a night. This has been a nightly occurrence for over two years now. We’ve tried a whole bunch of strategies, but nothing really works. It’s honestly a whole other post, but I do actually get out of bed to feed them at least once a night (on good nights) and on bad nights it’s 4x of sitting up and spraying water like a crazy lady. I have no idea how I’m still functioning, since I’m a person who needs at least 10 hours of sleep to feel “perfectly rested”.

Whenever I complain about the cats to people who know we’re trying, I immediately feel guilty. Like if I can’t handle the cats, what will I do when we have a baby? Except, I know there’s a huge difference: a) babies aren’t cats; babies, for the most part, grow beyond the toddler stage b) you can’t spray them with water c) or hiss at them d) or kick them off the bed violently and yell “SHUT THE F%#K UP!”.

As a smart lady, who thought she had all her self-esteem shit in gear, these emotions and (over)reactions totally caught me off guard. I never figured I’d feel like I’d have to prove my worth as a parent BEFORE I even conceived.

I’m wondering- is this a common feeling for women TTC? (I say women, since my hubby has absolutely NO similar thoughts. I’ve asked. And I have a funny feeling it’s very gendered and socialized….boo).